Mentioning Death

When ever I mention death, and the mere thought of not existing, people shoot me down or quickly change the subject. "Don't say that" or "I don't want to think about that" or "Why do you have to bring that up?

All I am asking is...... "What if you lost me tomorrow?"  "What if I lost YOU tomorrow?"

To me this isn't a subject that should be ignored, but something that should be talked about, all the time. Everyday. Let me tell you why......

In the past six years I have gone through losing Kris's aunt and four year old cousin from drowning, then my very close friend and colleague Geoffrey to suicide, followed by losing a close family friend with whom I grew up with to a drunk driving incident. Not to mention almost losing my own Mother on different occasions through out the years.

I am always asking myself, what can I do or say to those who I love today, knowing that I might lose them tomorrow? Or what can I say and do to others that they will be able to take away from who I am and what I was while I was on this earth.

Life is not promised tomorrow, and why aren't we all living every minute with knowing that?  Its absurd to me! Or is it just the way that I think........ every time I get mad or upset or ungrateful, my mind automatically turns to the 'what if's' with every single person in my life, and my mind is automatically altered.

Most importantly....(and yet not selfishly) I think of myself.... and if it was my life that was taken... the words spoken at the funerals of those that I have lost are embedded in my every day life... replaying in my mind during every day tasks..... driving to the store, taking a shower, getting dressed in the morning....."he WAS this....."    "She WAS this...." "I will never forget......".  What kind of imprint do I want to leave with my loved ones or in fact anyone that I come into contact with through out my journey...

I for one don't think that its a bad thing to share with your loved ones what your mission on this planet is, what you are about and what you believe are your OWN person fundamentals, whether you are 5 or 95. We are all different, we all have different views, goals and ambitions.  But what we all share is that we want our loved ones to know exactly what we want to leave behind.

I get it its normal to be afraid of death, it is a scary thing, its unknown.  I dread it every day.... for myself and for those that I love most. But don't be afraid to talk about it, to have the courage to own what you want to leave behind, and to let those know if you leave before them, that you HAD the courage to acknowledge it.

Wait What? I'm in an interracial relationship?

I just had to blog about this amazing and inspirational/ hilarious moment that happened to me today.  Something that I will always and forever remember, something that my grandchildren will hear some day. I won't remember where I was, or why I was there, or who it was I was chatting with, but the conversation and how I felt before and after will always stick with me.





Let me paint you the picture.  The past few days I have been completely out of my normal routine of conveniently waking up forty minutes before work because my commute is literally one minute and thirty seconds away from where my bed is located. Away from my work week, my coworkers, the residents, their families and every other face I see day in and day out.  I was at my RCFE class ( Resident Care Facility for the Elderly) where I am currently in the midst of getting my license.




Since Monday my week has begun with dragging my half unconscious body out of my paradise of sheets and pillows at the ungodly hour of six am, throwing on half the makeup I would normally wear during the week, throwing my hair into a "hey I tried" bun and brushing my teeth while praying that the line at my nearby Starbucks is fewer than fifteen people.




Fortunate for me - and for everyone else " in my way " because its before eight and why the hell aren't I still in slumber land - the past three days I've gotten my coffee, and managed to drive the gruesome commute of twenty minutes to a hotel where these 8 - 5 classes are held. I'll save the details of how exciting these eight hour days filled with title 22 state regulations and drinking enough water to take multiple bathroom breaks are.... and fast forward to this afternoon at lunch.....




So after retrieving our lunches at different near by fast food chains and heading back to the hotel common area before our thirty minutes is over, we all make small talk while we scarf down our over priced unhealthy meals. (which by the way I had a garden salad with fire chicken curry from a bbq spot which was pretty damn good for the healthiest thing I could find). So I am sitting with these two other girls who I actually had been making small talk with after our group projects were finished (and who doesn't jump for joy when there is group projects with complete strangers?) so here's how it went down:




Kron 4 news alert lights up my phone - exposing my iPhone background, a picture of my Fijian boyfriend Kris and I - Couple picture cliché I know -

Girl 1 with nice hair: "Awe is that your boyfriend?"

Me - " Yes it is, we actually met when I first started working at my community"

Girl 2 with statement necklace - "Wow so you've been together for a long time!"

Me - "Yeah quite a long time!"

- insert pause where I wait for the "when are you getting married" question - but then get this........     

Girl 1 with nice hair - " That's so awesome, I've always wanted that, what's it like to be in an interracial relationship?"

RONNIE'S BRAINS RESPONSE  -" Oh no I'm not in an interracia......... OH MY GOD I AM IN AN INTERACIAL REALTIONSHIP"

My response after trying to understand quickly and un-awkwardly what just went on - " It's by far the best thing that's ever happened to me."


WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. My mind put that entire conversation in my back pocket when the doors to the conference room opened and our break was over.


It wasn't until I was driving home where I literally burst into laughter replaying the entire thing..... ten years with Kris and never once did I associate that "title" to us.  Ten years of building a foundation to a relationship together. Of becoming apart of each other's families, witnessing the gift of life, and the sorrow of losing it. Ten years of growing and changing together, enduring the downs and cherishing the up's.... and never once in all those years have I ever given us the title of an interracial couple.


Kris is Kris to me.  His family is my family and mine to him. Yes I have always been completely aware of and at some times overwhelmed with how different our cultures, language and rituals are.. but those differences along with skin color was never ever something that we made a topic, and certainly nothing that was going to stop us from being in love.


I must say until now, I  realized I really needed this random meeting to happen. It took a small talk conversation with two strangers, and a completely different atmosphere to really make me realize how beyond lucky I am, not only to be in a relationship with someone built on just love it self, but to know that I am apart of a culture who loves with out boundaries or blinders... .as we all should.


So thank you Girl 1 with nice hair.


Oh and..... I told Kris about this and he totally brushed it off as nothing, and I was glad that he did.
To him I am nothing but unicorn sneezes and butterflies kisses..... (Okay those are obviously my words ) but you get the jist.



oh and............. I will never take my small commute and spectacularly fun job for granted.

Long live true pure love



-Ronnie

V.0

What makes us want to thrive? to be a better person? to make this one shot at life really count? I think it takes a very strong person to admit that they want to make themselves a better person, and I am admitting to this with no shame what so ever. I am not perfect and I'd rather hear those words from myself then any one else other then me? Right? The ego is such a funny thing when it's really broken down.

I have always been into learning new concepts, new ways of interpreting life and all that it throws at me. Anything new intrigues me to the core. I'm a reader, a writer and more then both I am a thinker. Lately I have thought myself dry, literally. I've found myself in one frustrating situation after another. So right now I'm really focusing on educating myself to be a better me, not only for myself but for the people around me. There's times in life when you get so wrapped up in all your problems, worries, hopes and dreams that you forget that reaching out and being an understanding human being is just as important. What you put out is what you receive and that will always be. So I want to be able get better at...

*Letting others finish their sentences without interrupting

*Listening more in depth

* Being more open to where others are coming from

* Understanding separate realities

*Resisting the urge to criticize

*Set aside a time to sit with myself in the quiet

*Turn my melodrama into a mellow-drama.

And that is just the beginning. There is so much more ahead of me in life, and I am at this road, which should be conveniently named "WhothehelldoIreallywanttobe AVE". Because I really want to be successful and happy, I want to be the woman that Kris would be proud to call his wife, a daughter who is always there, a supportive sister, an understanding and devoted friend, a mother to children who brag about how lucky they were to have me as their mom. There are so many things that I don't want to fail at, so I'm being proactive, and I see absolutely no shame in that.

As mentioned in my post below I read an amazing book by PH.D. Richard Carlson titled

'Don't Sweat the Small Stuff'

I am currently listening to whenever I can, which would include driving in my car or getting ready in the morning: 'Ten Secrets of Extreme Self-Esteem' by Jack Canfield, who is the Co-Creator of Chicken Soup for the Soul and also featured on The Secret.

Thriving to make you a better person is a process and it requires dedication and resilience.

________________________________________________

So today I am taking a deep breath before I respond, making quiet time for myself and enjoying every second, listening with ears wide opened, eating better, being more self-aware and opening myself up completely. And you know what?

It feels tremendously rewarding.

I won't sweat the small stuff.

I have writers block.  Or actually its more like I have no motivation to find a creative outlet, my worries, my imperfections and my ego have gotten in the way of who I really am, and I, quite frankly have had enough of it. I release through writing and through writing my outlet is fulfilled. When I can't write, I read and reading inspires me to write, its a beautiful cycle in all actuality.

 Recently one of my residents gave me this book, asking if we can maybe make some sort of activity out of discussing this book and work towards making ourselves into a better person. I loved the idea and took the book with a promise of a follow up. Well in the midst of my every day busy rush I put it aside and up until a few days ago this book sat on my desk piled among everything else awaiting my browsing eye. Until three days ago as I sat in my office, five minutes before my day being over, I took a deep breath as I grabbed for my purse and keys, I grabbed the book in a what-the-hell manner.  And what a great moment that was now that I look back on it. I have spent the past couple of months with a blind fold over everything that I am and believe in. Isn't it funny how we can sometimes get so deeply lost in the life that we work so hard to cherish and make count?

Don't Sweat The Small Stuff... and it's all small stuff  - By Richard Carlson, PH.D.

'Simple ways to keep the little things from taking over your life."

What a wonderful book, passages that are not anything that I haven't read, heard or practiced before, just more detailed and beautifully instructional.

__________________________________________

"Learn to live in the present moment" Is a chapter that I have been focusing on a lot, among the many others and I'll touch base on that in future posts to come.  I will admit, this is definitely something that I need to work on, and that I have. Living in the moment and loving the LITTLE THINGS. A quote that I have never forgotten, yet seem to forget regularly is "The beauty is not in the entire picture, but in the small details".  And that can literally apply to anything if you really want it to.

Enjoying: The tiny things that put me at ease while writing.

Enjoying: Taking pictures and everything/anything to do with them.

Enjoying: The sunlight shining through my kitchen blinds when I arrive home from a long day.

Enjoyment: Being a Personal Expressions Director, allowing my residents to express and enjoy themselves at this point in their lives.  Which is ironic in a way, because in return they are allowing me to do the exact same thing. I  never take advantage of the fact that I am to be able to be surrounded by a generation who has been there done that. Their advice, experiences and stories are never gone without being noted in my book.  

Enjoying: The people in my life. It's extraordinary to have people in your life that make you feel so special, that take the time out of their lives to put their ego's aside and hear you out.  People that don't judge, accept you for you, your strengths and for your faults too. They constantly make me want to be just as wonderful.

Here's to being more aware.



The fuel to my inspiration

What is it that inspires you? I've been asking myself that a lot lately, and not just that but, what inspires me now.  I think in the midst of moving out of my parents house and basically being thrown into life has trumped my creative outlet.  I've put blogging on the back burner, photography in the oven, and my writing is non existent. All three define exactly who I am and they are all MIA. So what does that make me?  I'm settled, I'm comfy and everything is in order just how I like it but its overwhelming how much I'm missing what's most important.Which is exactly why its time to return todoing me.  So my focus lately has been on what inspires me, and here are just a few things that drive the fuel to my creative fire:

An apron. Inspiration to cook a casserole and dance around the kitchen, even if it's just for myself. At least I look good doing it (thank you to my Aunt Nancy who gave this beauty to me for my birthday)

 A house that's all my own. Inspiration to write, to give life to the millions of thoughts that belong to me.

My family.  Inspiration to believe in faith and sunshine after the rainstorm of what I knew as a child hood.

Giving meaning to my residents lives. Inspiration to become a better Personal Expressions Director.

Feeling beautiful. Inspiration to indulge in the little things that satsify my happiness.

Laughing until I can't stand up straight.  Inspiration to have more great nights out.

Having my cat for a sidekick.  Inspiration to not hate the thought of being a crazy cat lady.

and yes she laid there the entire time I wrote this entry. Get a cat and then you can talk.



A New Chapter.....

Our town house is far from where it was the day that picture was taken. Were settled in and everything is in its appropriate place, card board boxes long gone, and the chaos of our lives once misplaced and unorganized are put away in drawers, all tucked into a new tidy normal. The days are longer now, counting down the minutes until I can go home, to a home that is all mine, and that I must say is the best way of explaining how much this town house has made this new chapter of mine so easy to transition to. 

There are so many of my loved ones who have not seen my entire new abode, so in order to not spoil the entire thing, here are a few pictures of suspense.  Corners of my new home. A new home that I'd like to say shows through decor and nesting the essence of who I really am.

Flying the coop.

I've been away from blogging, I've been too wrapped up in all the things life likes to wrap one up in. Or you could also say I allowed life's extremes to take its course and keeping me from what I love the most....  Writing, and sharring and releasing. I had a hectic ten hour day at work today, I got home, poured myself a glass of wine and started going through all of the pictures on my computer, from years and years back.  I don't know what it is about pictures that inspire me to my core. Pictures are great at getting their job done, taking one back to that exact moment, but for me it does more then just that.  It enthuses the thoughts and feelings experienced at that same exact moment in time that pushes me to put words to a portrait.

And now I introduce to you what has taken over my life the past sixty days.......

Actually, my brother Alex and I are leaving the nest together, and that has been a blessing.  There comes a time for all children to leave their child-hood home, their safety zone, their parents, and the comfort of a familiar abode. I will admit it hasn't been an easy transition and for the most part a stressful one, but we manifested the perfect place and it found  us. An amazing two story  town house in a two mile radius of where we are now, and best of all its right up the street from work. The parents are moving to the valley and were staying where our lives are, and for that I am so grateful.

There were two ways I could of handled this, and I chose the positive one. I was never one, unlike a lot of my friends that I know, who were anxious to leave home.  I loved being near my family, knowing that I fell asleep in the same house that five other people were sleeping was a comfort to me. It's time now, I feel it in my soul that this is the right for us, that this is the place where we are supposed to be. And if you have ever felt that feeling, where your body and soul know before your brain then you know how amazing and undeniable it is. I am so excited for this adventure ahead of Alex and I, we are so stoked to have a place that is our own, and all of which will be reaped by our own hard work. And I.... I  have no words to express how lucky I am that I have the brother that I do, one that I know will keep me comforted and I know that I can lean on when the newness of our place might get a bit overwhelming.

UPDATE: I wrote the above post three weeks ago.  Moving is no joke, and it consumed my life. Were now settled in our new place, and it is perfect for us!  I couldn't be blessed with a more perfect place. Pictures to come in the following posts, but until then, pictures from a home that will forever live in my heart, and forever in my memories. - I still cant even drive through my old neighborhood yet.  The last time I was there I made sure that it wasn't when the entire house was empty. I want to remember it for what it was, and not what it is now, empty of it's family, awaiting a new one.

Onto another new and exciting chapter of our lives......

Endure

Endure
v. en·dured, en·dur·ing, en·dures
v.tr.
1. To carry on through, despite hardships; undergo: endure an Arctic winter.
2. To bear with tolerance: "We seek the truth, and will endure the consequences" (Charles Seymour). See Synonyms at bear1.
v.intr.
1. To continue in existence; last: buildings that have endured for centuries.
2. To suffer patiently without Yielding

Exactly.


To suffer patiently without yielding. This simple dictionary definition inspired me to dwell a little deeper into its actual defining explanation. How does Yielding exactly play into enduring?

v.intr.
1.
a. To give forth a natural product; be productive.
b. To produce a return for effort or investment: bonds that yield well.
2.
a. To give up, as in defeat; surrender or submit.
b. To give way to pressure or force: The door yielded to a gentle push.
c. To give way to argument, persuasion, influence, or entreaty.
d. To give up one's place, as to one that is superior: yielded to the chairperson.

Exactly.


Beginnings with planned out endings
Endings with perfect planned out beginnings.

Darkness comes without an invitation
An Invitaion which forces attendance
Attendance thats forces recognition

All in which endured without yielding.

Yes.

Time to fly

It's so funny how life works out some times, no really, I'm not just saying that because I'm literally in the midst of it working it self out as I type this...but it's funny because in my head I have everything mapped out and planned perfectly like " this will happen, and then this will happen, which will lead to this happening..and YES its genius and I will live happily ever after..". Then life happens. Oh life you can be a real bitch sometimes, and when I plan, you are  the first one to make an appearance.

I know I know  it's not just me, and that change is the rhythm of life, but no matter how long the gaps in between are, I am shocked every time. Being in shock leads to being stressed and being stressed leads to over thinking, and on and on and on... and now that I have re-read that the cycle is completely ridiculous.

Below is an entry I had written only for the purpose of expressing myself, an entry that only I would see. But I'm beginning to think that the theme of 2012 is going to be facing everything and anything no matter how big the obstacle head on, and one of which is others viewing my true writing. One step at a time right?

The economy has finally taken a toll on my family; a toll on my life and a toll on everything that I have known as a life, a home and a way of living. I wish that I could type as fast as the thoughts come to mind, because there is so much to express. My room is messy, there is so many other things that I could be doing, but releasing my feelings have trumped all. I don’t want to leave my home, I don’t want to leave my parents, my Dad, the constant man in my life who I know will fix every little thing I don’t have the answer to. I don’t want to leave the comfort of opening my bedroom door after a long day to my zone, my cave. I don’t want to leave the normality of what has become apart of my everyday. It trembles my being to even think that everything I know will change in a matter of 60 days. Yet there is no choice, and I know this and I am constantly trying to cope with it, even as I go on with the days mundane tasks.

While coherent that constantly focusing on what I don’t want is the recipe to a stagnant life… I like to view myself as a positive person, a person who takes lemons and not only makes lemonade but adds sugar, a bit of lime, and maybe even a little bit of vodka, to make a delectable life cocktail.

When I lose the recipe to my mixture I lean on the wonderful people in my life.

I have so many remarkable people in my life helping me through this, and I am appreciative of them showing their presence. A presence in which takes a hold of how I view things in a way I hope they all know really does make an impact.

“It’s okay that you’re not sure of what you want; in fact, sometimes God has a better plan for us anyway. But deep down inside your heart holds the truth, and in order to hear it, try to be still and silent enough for your truth to surface”

- Email from my Aunt Barbie

“I have read so many of your beautiful entries in your blog and I know you have the same belief that I do. I also know that you recognize when it is easy to live and that belief and when it is a challenge. Life only is lived to its fullest when we get through those challenges”

- Email from my Aunt Nancy

Today I had this moment, this feeling, in the middle of doing the most routine tasks, that everything will be okay… and I am and will be working my hardest on focusing on my gut feelings. I refuse to be apart of a cycle I know deep down that I can break.