It's so funny how life works out some times, no really, I'm not just saying that because I'm literally in the midst of it working it self out as I type this...but it's funny because in my head I have everything mapped out and planned perfectly like " this will happen, and then this will happen, which will lead to this happening..and YES its genius and I will live happily ever after..". Then life happens. Oh life you can be a real bitch sometimes, and when I plan, you are the first one to make an appearance.
I know I know it's not just me, and that change is the rhythm of life, but no matter how long the gaps in between are, I am shocked every time. Being in shock leads to being stressed and being stressed leads to over thinking, and on and on and on... and now that I have re-read that the cycle is completely ridiculous.
Below is an entry I had written only for the purpose of expressing myself, an entry that only I would see. But I'm beginning to think that the theme of 2012 is going to be facing everything and anything no matter how big the obstacle head on, and one of which is others viewing my true writing. One step at a time right?
The economy has finally taken a toll on my family; a toll on my life and a toll on everything that I have known as a life, a home and a way of living. I wish that I could type as fast as the thoughts come to mind, because there is so much to express. My room is messy, there is so many other things that I could be doing, but releasing my feelings have trumped all. I don’t want to leave my home, I don’t want to leave my parents, my Dad, the constant man in my life who I know will fix every little thing I don’t have the answer to. I don’t want to leave the comfort of opening my bedroom door after a long day to my zone, my cave. I don’t want to leave the normality of what has become apart of my everyday. It trembles my being to even think that everything I know will change in a matter of 60 days. Yet there is no choice, and I know this and I am constantly trying to cope with it, even as I go on with the days mundane tasks.
While coherent that constantly focusing on what I don’t want is the recipe to a stagnant life… I like to view myself as a positive person, a person who takes lemons and not only makes lemonade but adds sugar, a bit of lime, and maybe even a little bit of vodka, to make a delectable life cocktail.When I lose the recipe to my mixture I lean on the wonderful people in my life.
I have so many remarkable people in my life helping me through this, and I am appreciative of them showing their presence. A presence in which takes a hold of how I view things in a way I hope they all know really does make an impact.
“It’s okay that you’re not sure of what you want; in fact, sometimes God has a better plan for us anyway. But deep down inside your heart holds the truth, and in order to hear it, try to be still and silent enough for your truth to surface”- Email from my Aunt Barbie“I have read so many of your beautiful entries in your blog and I know you have the same belief that I do. I also know that you recognize when it is easy to live and that belief and when it is a challenge. Life only is lived to its fullest when we get through those challenges”- Email from my Aunt Nancy
Today I had this moment, this feeling, in the middle of doing the most routine tasks, that everything will be okay… and I am and will be working my hardest on focusing on my gut feelings. I refuse to be apart of a cycle I know deep down that I can break.